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It’s Halloween!
Yes, you’re right – nobody cares. Apart from frail, lonely widows barricading themselves in for the night, and fuck them anyway. Even teenage psychopaths aren’t interested in Halloween anymore. It’s bullshit. But it does force the TV stations to cram the schedules full of horror films (and, this year, Charlie Brooker’s marginally effective but ultimately slightly underwhelming zombies VS twats gore-fest “Dead Set”). But because, in terms of films, what we mostly get are repeats of John Carpenter’s “Halloween” (do you get it? That’s because today is… Oh, never mind), and Channel Four’s “Most Often Repeated Bits Of Films”, starring Jimmy Carr and a jerry-built script, I feel it’s time to let you know what the ten scariest films of all time are. Well, some of them. Definitively. And no arguments. But lots of, as they say on the internet, “spoilers”. If you don’t agree, you’re not only wrong, but should resign your position at Radio 2, with immediate effect…
(I appreciate this is another list of stuff. And that I only moments ago had a pop at TV list shows. But then, everyone loves lists. That’s why they’re called “lists”).
1. DON’T LOOK NOW (Nicolas Roeg, 1973).
Easily one the classiest and most bloodless horror films ever made (well, bloodless until the nutcase conclusion), “Don’t Look Now” works simply by applying some things that are obviously deeply terrifying to the psychogeography of city that has canals instead of roads and is consistently deserted at night. These things are – dead children, churches, psychic blind women, Donald Sutherland’s haircut in the 1970s, Julie Christie’s nipples and a murderous mutant dwarf in a little red mac. Oh, and a deep-seated, pervading sense of psychological horror and chilling, inevitable dread.
In Nic Roeg’s (whose other masterpiece, “Performance” should probably be on the list), sumptuous adaptation of a Daphne Du Maurier novel, Sutherland and Christie hot-foot it to Venice after their daughter drowns in a pond, to try and patch up their marriage, which has become, understandably, somewhat structurally compromised. While Donald dangles helpless from scaffolding inside various old churches, Julie hooks up with a couple of psychic old dears who claim to be able to speak to the dead, including, luckily, Julie’s dead daughter. And then loads of deeply creepy stuff happens. Very, very quietly. It’s a remarkably subtle film that makes you feel ill throughout, without the use of riot weaponry (see IRREVERSIBLE) or shock tactics. Until the final frames of course, at which point you will stare at the screen in bewilderment, your mouth as wide open as Donald’s severed carotid artery, when it all comes together to make absolutely no sense at all. In a brilliant way.
2. A L’INTERIEUR (Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury, 2007).
Proving, along with “Haute Tension”, that the French are the masters of recent horror, I will refrain from giving anything about A L’Interieur away, unlike other films on this list, because after a rather slow and unpromising first fifteen minutes, it suddenly takes an unexpected detour down mindfuck alley and stubbornly stays there until the very last frame. Depp-wedding hottie Vanessa Paradis’ very pregnant sister is home alone on Christmas Eve, coming to terms with the death of her husband in a car crash and waiting patiently and uncomfortably before she can drop the kiddie. Then a mysterious woman arrives at the house unbidden, a woman who knows her name. And from there on in, the film goes absolutely balls-out, shit-your-pants fucking mental. Possibly a film that approaches the apex of the slasher genre, this is one that you’ll watch in genuine disbelief, and one that you certainly won’t forget in a hurry. And don’t bring those scissors anywhere fucking near me, ever again.
3. SUSPIRIA (Dario Argento, 1977).
The oldest film on the list, and it’s barely three decades old. But, if you’re one of those people who think that older horror films are sharper and more effective, and you think that “Nosferatu”, while certainly being brilliant, is scary, then you are plainly a chump and later I will throw eggs at your house and then burn it down with fireworks, whether you give me candy or not.
Anyway, “Suspiria” is the story of a young American ballet dancer who pitches up at a ludicrously menacing ballet academy during a thunderstorm. The opening sequence is accompanied by THE most terrifying soundtrack to any film, anywhere, ever. I am far too inarticulate to do it any justice with words; you’ll just have to track down a copy. But you’ll understand what I mean when you hear it. And it’s by a band called The Goblins, which plainly makes it even better.
And you won’t be disappointed with the rest of the film either. Something evil lurks within the school, and it’s really not afraid to get stuck in – within the first half an hour a madman is dragging girls out of windows, someone is slung dramatically through a stained glass window, and a girl walks through a door into what she reasonably assumes is merely another room, but is actually a pit filled with razor-wire. Schoolboy error. And then there is an extreme close-up of someone getting stabbed in the heart.
It transpires that the school is a hotbed of witch activity – and not some sub-Shakespearean, warty, broomstick wielding, unthreatening idiot witches. Oh no. These are some sadistic, undead, grim-faced sick bastards all right. They are about a hundred times worse than the Wicked Witch of the West, and she was already really scary. Anyway, our ballet student heroine must battle against these evil forces. As well as nailing a perfect fucking Arabesque.
Only Argento could pull off the mixture of generally baffling horror logic, rather feeble acting and an extraordinarily vibrant visual style, and turn it into something monumental. And he was no slouch when it came to keeping the mythology of the film going – it’s part of a trilogy along with “Inferno” and the recent “Mother Of Tears”. Both of which are ace, but not quite as good as the one that kicked it all off.
4. THE MIST (Frank Darabont, 2007).
Adapted from a Stephen King novella, this is a director thankfully and thoroughly distancing himself from heartwarming prison dramas and turning his hand to King’s darker stuff. And not before time.
Sorry. You might think that “The Shawshank Redemption” is The Best Film Of All Time, but it’s not. Don’t believe The Internet Movie Database and their lies. Anyway, “The Mist” stars “Deep Blue Sea” action failure Thomas Jane as an author who’s town is enveloped by an unexpected mist, rolling in off the lake, after a huge storm. He hightails down to the local store to buy some fags and porn (or whatever) with his son. While they’re there however, the mist closes in and it becomes apparent that there’s something slimy and hungry within it. Again, I find myself loathe to disclose anything further about this film, because, after the slimy shit has established itself (mostly through the medium of distinctly ropey CGI), the film really moves up a gear. Suffice to say, things inside the store go really, really wrong. And it’s not just because of the tentacles out in the mist. Ultimately, this is a big old monster B-Movie from the 1950’s, with a extremely classy cast (Andre Braugher (Pendleton from “Homicide: Life On The Street”), Toby Jones and Marcia Gay Hayden acquit themselves remarkably well, and imbue the film with a gravitas that initially seems incongruous – until the sencond half). And wait for the conclusion – “The Mist” has an ending so audacious, remarkable and bleak, that it sets the whole film aside as a genuine horror classic, rather than a monster movie cash-in knock off. As with “Saw”, below, it’s an ending you won’t see coming even if you know it IS coming. And it’s an ending that’ll probably make you smother your entire family in their beds, just to spare them the inherent nightmare of suffering from the pointless human condition in today’s world.
Or you might just go “Wow, that was a bit bleak. What’s for dinner?”
5. SAW (James Wan, 2004).
A film whose reputation has been horribly derailed by the behemoth of a franchise that sprang up around it – films that became progressively and inexorably worse as the sequels were churned out – the original Saw is actually a shocking, reasonably intelligent (in a ordeal horror kind of way, at least) film that will scare you rigid. Even though everyone, whether they’ve seen the film or not, is aware that there is a twist of monumental proportions at the end of it, it doesn’t matter, as you will never figure it out in a million years. And if you think you will, I’m going to make you tear your own eyes out, or something. Although perhaps not quite as meaningful as it would like to think it is, “Saw” is nonetheless an excellent, nuts-and-bolts horror film. And it’s got Danny Glover in it as a mad cop, proving yet again that he is nothing less than really terrible in every film he’s in, but we all love him anyway. This is Roger Murtaugh, after all…
Forget about the sequels – “Saw II” is nastily effective enough, but after that the whole business becomes desperately pointless, especially when you introduce power-tool brain surgery and liquid pigs. But in terms of the first one, the final twist, and the opportunity to watch Westley from “The Princess Bride” cut his own foot off, are things that are beautiful to behold.
6. IRREVERSIBLE (Gaspar Noe, 2002).
Not a film to be taken lightly, this is clearly the best film on this list, if the most difficult to watch. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the most gruelling cinematic experience available at present – unless you have young children in the porn industry, I would imagine. Anyway, the film tells the story of a couple – Marcus and Alex – who’s lives are destroyed after Alex is horrifically raped – and Marcus and his friend Pierre go on the rampage to find the perpetrator. Which they don’t. Although people do die.
It’s all told in reverse, which means it’s a film which begins with what is virtually a literal descent into hell – Marcus and Pierre burst into a desperately horrible Parisian fetish club looking for the rapist – and ends with the blissfully happy, and pregnant, Alex contemplating the rosy future to a Beethoven soundtrack. And in between we get some of the rawest horror imaginable, all grounded firmly in reality – the fire-extinguisher scene, the general gut-churning knowledge of what is to come, Thomas Bangalter’s (of Daft Punk fame) extraordinary score, utilizing tones used by the French police to dispel riots, and, of course, the infamous rape sequence in a subway. A ten minute, unwavering one-shot take of utter monstrousness, punctuated only by the arrival half-way through of a silhouette at the back of the subway, who watches for a second, and then leaves well alone. It’s a heart stopping moment in a film that is utterly mesmerising whilst being the most horrific thing you’ve ever seen. Don’t watch it for fun, and don’t watch it with anyone else. But do watch it.
7. HELLRAISER (Clive Barker, 1987).
Sorry, after such a serious interlude, let’s get back to a film that’s about perverted bondage demons. Essentially anything dragged out of the truly deviant brain of Clive Barker is going to be, depending on your persuasion, either something akin to genius or a great big sack of interminably sexualized bullshit. The good news is that Hellraiser manages to straddle both camps – it’s clearly nonsense that takes itself a touch too seriously, but it also manages to be engrossingly disturbing, as people grow out of floorboards, get torn to shreds by razor-sharp chains, wear other people’s skin and, most foolishly, open Chinese Puzzle Boxes. The plot finds a murderer brought back to life (nominally) by such a box, who then requires human sacrifices to complete his transformation so he can some lay some pipe supreme on his brother’s creepy wife. After that, the Cenobites, led by the famous Pinhead, turn up on a concerted mission to “tear your soul apart” and get everyone massively off by torturing them horribly for all eternity. A bit like your mum.
Quite badly acted and suffering from the 80s school of animated “fire” effects, “Hellraiser” is nonetheless a disturbing, graphic and filthy little fucker of a film that will certainly leave it’s mark. (By the way, Hellraiser might not be perfect (and it clearly isn’t), but Clive Barker’s short story “In The Hills, The Cities” is just about the best horror story I’ve ever read. It’s in his “Books of Blood”, if you can find it. And you should try.)
8. EDEN LAKE (James Watkins, 2008).
While this may indeed look the sticky wet dream of the Daily Mail – nice middle-class couple, played by upcoming Inglorious Basterd Michael Fassbender and Kelly Reilly, are terrorized (REALLY terrorized) by pikey youths – that misses the point. “Eden Lake” is only another addition to the “outsiders VS mental locals” horror sub genre – see “Deliverance”, “The Hills Have Eyes”, “Straw Dogs” and a million other movies. But what makes Eden Lake special is just how tough it is. Not that those other films are slouches in that department, but they certainly didn’t have a scene in which a young boy gets necklaced. And then there’s the tongue/stanley knife interface. Goodness me, it’ a gruelling business, but it’s fucking ace and extremely well acted (as well as the two leads, Jack O’Connell is great as the leader of the feral gang. He’s not just a psychotic cypher, but he’s certainly not your mate, either).
And as for the ending? Holy fucking shit. I though “The Mist” was grim…
9. ALIENS (James Cameron, 1986).
Obviously the biggest, shoutiest and most expensive of the list, and ostensibly an action movie above all else, “Aliens” is still clearly the best of the increasingly moribund franchise, and demonstrates that, despite all his failings, over-paid technology fetishist Jim Cameron really knows how to put an exciting film together. And it’s easy to forget quite how tense and scary it is – it’s only once Ripley finally sucks the alien queen out of the airlock that you realise you’ve barely drawn breath since they touched down on LV 426. “Aliens” manages to include some of the best lines in action cinema (“Have you ever been mistaken for a man?” “How do I get out of this chickeshit outfit?” “Punch it, Bishop!” – the list is endless), as well as sticking unwaveringly to the mythology of the characters and the monsters. And they pull off giving a large amount of screen time to a small girl, without her becoming annoying. Which is a difficult fucking feat to achieve.
The story, if you don’t know (and if you don’t know, you should be thoroughly and desperately ashamed of yourself) finds Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) leading a team of space marines back down to the planet in which she initially encountered the alien in, er, “Alien”. Much to everyone’s surprise, the mission goes spectacularly tits up, meaning we get an extended face-off between humans and aliens of such immaculately sustained badassery, that it’s impossible to come away from the film with anything but a huge smile on your face, and a potentially fatal heart-rate.
10. LOST HIGHWAY (David Lynch, 1997).
Obviously, David Lynch films are scary. That’s a given. I think that “Eraserhead” is virtually unwatchably terrifying. But it’s “Lost Highway” that stands out, maybe because it looks so good, maybe because the soundtrack is spot on, maybe because the cast are so uniformly excellent (and in a cast including Bill Pullman and Balthazar Getty, this is something to be proud of), and maybe because Robert Blake is quite simply the scariest man in the world. The scene at the party – “as a matter of fact, I’m there right now. ” – is just fantastically creepy. Obviously if you haven’t seen it, then this means nothing, but trust me, when you become aware of what’s going on (in a way), it’s time to jettison all logic and just embrace the horror.
It’s not quite as good as “Mulholland Drive” (Lynch’s masterpice), but it is deeply disturbing and, unlike the truly impenetrable “Inland Empire”, it is satisfying in a way that only Lynch can pull off, when you’re dealing with something that essentially makes no sense whatsoever.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
The Descent (Neil Marshall, 2005). Proving beyond all doubt what we already knew – that anyone who thinks going potholing is a good idea deserves to get murdered and eaten underground by a load of blind albino mutants.
Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975). It may well have been instrumental in initiating modern cinema’s current state of lacklustre blockbuster diarrhea, but it’s also an unstoppably perfect horror adventure. And there is no-one on the planet who doesn’t shit themselves when that dead body drifts out of a hole in a boat.
Haute Tension (Alexandre Aja, 2003). Again, the French prove themselves better than everyone at everything – this time slasher horror. Want to see someone’s head get pushed off with a piano? You’re in the right place. And the ending has yet another killer twist – and this time it involves an angle grinder, so we’re all happy.
Shutter (Banjong Pisanthanakun, 2004). Part of the group of “ooh, really scary horror from the east”, including the overrated and slightly rubbish “Ring” sequence of films, that Hollywood are priapic about re-making, “Shutter” at least has the common decency to feature a zombie woman climbing down a ladder upside down. And if that’s not scary…
Night Of The Living Dead (George A Romero, 1968). Proving without a doubt that zombies were much scarier when they couldn’t run, this may well be the greatest horror film of all time. It’s only familiarity that dulls its power, but if you’re not disturbed by a zombie schoolgirl stabbing her own mother to death with a trowel, or the bleakest of bleak endings, then, essentially, do one. You prick.
And there we are. Go and watch one of these (or more) on this chilling Halloween evening. But always remember, perhaps the greatest horror of all is that you’ve sat here reading this drivel, and that time you shall never recover…
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Real Cruelty in Imaginary Gardens 
Where the fuck’s The Exorcist? It might seem an obvious choice but that’s because it’s ace. Genuinely unsettling. Carrie? Suspiria’s a good call though.
Comment by Rich November 10, 2008 @ 10:11 pm