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Whilst watching Vince Weiguang Lei allegedly eat bits of Tim McLean and dance around with his severed head on a Canadian Greyhound near Portage Le Prairie, somewhere between Edmonton and Winnipeg, the Mounties found time to dub him “Badger”. Thus, the question is raised: why?. Perhaps Mounties fucking hate badgers and have long been itching to associate them with beheaders. Maybe Vince resembled a badger, and looked a bit like Bob Hoskins off of the BBC’s “The Wind in the Willows”.
Maybe they will never release the files, and the truth will not out. But, as a tribute to the megaweb’s latest celebrity badger, here, for your consideration, are the top four world’s best badgers.
1. “BADGER” from “The Wind in the Willows” by Kenneth Grahame.
Fictional miserablist in a dressing gown, Badger spent his formative years running around with the ICF, before putting all that behind him to read books in a stump. However, like Steven Seagal in every film he’s ever made, Badger’s penchant for shocking violence caught up with him, despite protestations of a conversion to Buddhism, after The Invasion of Toad Hall, bringing him out of retirement and back to what he does best: smacking fuck out of weasels with a cudgel.
2. “BADGER” from “Bodger and Badger”
Like a haunted Vietnam vet forced into a life a chemical dependency and half-hearted prostitution by a government that has no further use for him, Badger spent most of his time in a semi-sociopathic quest for mashed potato, whilst attempting to wrest himself from the clutches of Machiavellian puppet master and pimp Bodger, in the BBC’s tender and affecting allegory of crack addiction and societal breakdown. Alas, he found himself thwarted at every turn.
FUN FACT: Since the show, a “bodger” has become obscure homosexual patois for someone who gives puppets rimjobs.
3. THE MAN EATING BADGERS OF BASRA
Sick of the ungrateful behaviour of those godless sand jockeys, in 2007 the British Army apparently flooded the Iraqi city of Basra with a swarm of giant man-eating badgers. Because they weren’t embarrassed enough already.
4. RUTH BADGER
Miserly gammon-jowled ubermensch Ruth Badger got silver in the second season of The Apprentice UK, before taking a brief career hiatus to win at fisticuffs against the merchant navy. Now Ruth runs an ostensibly successful consultancy business called “The Smashing Kids’ Piggy Banks With A Wrench While They Watch Consultancy Business”. According to the website, “We guarantee that if you want a speaker to motivate, entertain and energise your event, Ruth Badger is the person to book. Ruth is guaranteed to inspire them while sharing her life experience generating a few laughs along the way!”.
Why are you still reading this? Go and consult her. Run. RUN!
Only time will tell what other brilliant badgers will pop up to make their mark on our collective consciousness. But it can’t happen too soon.
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